Is this verbal abuse or normal in a relationship? If angry for little things, I get called horrible names?
Darkness Soothes Me asked:
People argue, but I never say things as cruel as my boyfreind of 7 years. He will say he no longer loves me and lost that feeling and is just “used” to being with me. Example: yesterday he was angry and irritable, wanted me to swipe a valium for him from an elderly family member, when I could not and did not want to he got ridiculously cruel- said “all you do is sit on your fat ass, not helping me or cleaning or doing laundry, you disgust me!” (I admit I have been very depressed and meds make me tired lately) he then said “You are getting old and wrinkly”, “no longer look as hot”-though I am given compliments by others often. He says he wants to date others, asks to add a new girl to the picture (how rude), says he feels just too guilty to leave cause I am unable to take care of myself. That refers to my being out of work due to medical reasons, sever depression recently. .. he threatens to leave and dump me but wants to remain living here. I think, when he realizes rents are too high and my moms place is a good deal, he changes tunes and acts like nothing ever happened. Wants me to forget it and do him favors. Like tonight for example: After he called me all those cruel and hurtful names and dumped me, called me for a favor- wants me to go pick him up at work tonight at 1am with a borrowed car b/c his ran out of gas, AFTER he said all that mean stuff and ended our relationship just yesterday? he said “well I apologized, then forget it I will walk” and hangs up on me. Would you do it? He gets me because I worry about him and feel guilty. What would you do? Is this normal for couples and I should just let it slide due to his childhood issues and moods or is it an abusive environment contributing to my lowering self-esteem and depression. I feel lost.
I know I seem text book, weird how it happens and the guilt I get, like I am wrong. I guess I let the fact that he had an abusive and sad childhood, keep me from moving on. I excuse it I guess, but now it is ruining my life and feel either I change or I will end up dead or in a nut house.
clarification- not dead from him (he was only physical once) years ago-pushed me, but he was intoxicated and stopped drinking though he pops pills now to put up with me. I am not perfect, but I do not say “I don’t love you” whenever I am mad. I am far less cruel. People say I am allegedly “beautiful”, not that I believe that any more, but my former job was in acting/modeling. Some say he is insecure and does it outta fear, but that does not excuse it does it?
Some ask why I stick around, I guess
1. Guilt, like I must “save” like I am respoonsible- I feel parent-esque, or mom-like sometimes
2. FEAR FEAR FEAER he will harm himslef as he joked he would kill himself or me if I left -main reason
3. Fear I would miss the good parts
Bruce
People argue, but I never say things as cruel as my boyfreind of 7 years. He will say he no longer loves me and lost that feeling and is just “used” to being with me. Example: yesterday he was angry and irritable, wanted me to swipe a valium for him from an elderly family member, when I could not and did not want to he got ridiculously cruel- said “all you do is sit on your fat ass, not helping me or cleaning or doing laundry, you disgust me!” (I admit I have been very depressed and meds make me tired lately) he then said “You are getting old and wrinkly”, “no longer look as hot”-though I am given compliments by others often. He says he wants to date others, asks to add a new girl to the picture (how rude), says he feels just too guilty to leave cause I am unable to take care of myself. That refers to my being out of work due to medical reasons, sever depression recently. .. he threatens to leave and dump me but wants to remain living here. I think, when he realizes rents are too high and my moms place is a good deal, he changes tunes and acts like nothing ever happened. Wants me to forget it and do him favors. Like tonight for example: After he called me all those cruel and hurtful names and dumped me, called me for a favor- wants me to go pick him up at work tonight at 1am with a borrowed car b/c his ran out of gas, AFTER he said all that mean stuff and ended our relationship just yesterday? he said “well I apologized, then forget it I will walk” and hangs up on me. Would you do it? He gets me because I worry about him and feel guilty. What would you do? Is this normal for couples and I should just let it slide due to his childhood issues and moods or is it an abusive environment contributing to my lowering self-esteem and depression. I feel lost.
I know I seem text book, weird how it happens and the guilt I get, like I am wrong. I guess I let the fact that he had an abusive and sad childhood, keep me from moving on. I excuse it I guess, but now it is ruining my life and feel either I change or I will end up dead or in a nut house.
clarification- not dead from him (he was only physical once) years ago-pushed me, but he was intoxicated and stopped drinking though he pops pills now to put up with me. I am not perfect, but I do not say “I don’t love you” whenever I am mad. I am far less cruel. People say I am allegedly “beautiful”, not that I believe that any more, but my former job was in acting/modeling. Some say he is insecure and does it outta fear, but that does not excuse it does it?
Some ask why I stick around, I guess
1. Guilt, like I must “save” like I am respoonsible- I feel parent-esque, or mom-like sometimes
2. FEAR FEAR FEAER he will harm himslef as he joked he would kill himself or me if I left -main reason
3. Fear I would miss the good parts
Bruce
Tags: Childhood Issues, Compliments
June 16th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Vicki
You are being abused. Please get help.
This guy has low self-esteem and anger, so is beating you down because of it. You deserve much better than this.
June 17th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Maxine
Why don’t you go to Church…and “find” yourself…Focus on others and with God’s help..you could actually begin a new life and not be so caught up in your boyfriend’s DRAMA..Good Luck!!
June 18th, 2009 at 5:13 am
Harrison
girrrrlll. That boy needs a wake up call.
You do not deserve to be treated this way. If he really did love you he would not say things like that. People do have arguements and say things that they don’t mean but if this happens on a regular basis I would kick his rude ass out. If you ever have to ask if a bf’s actions or speech is abusive it’s not a good situation. Re-evaluate your relationship. If you are happy being treated this way forever then suck it up but if you want more for yourself…it will be hard if you care for him but worth it
June 20th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Vicki
You don`t need him, at all. He`s a cruel, pompous as* and to get better, you need to get him out of your life now, for good.
***EDIT*** If he says he`ll kill himself, he is NOT helping you at all. History has proven that when spouses say they`ll kill themselves, they never do. It`s yet another controlling move on his part. Been through depression, experience tells me you are not thinking clearly right now, you are the drugged version of yourself. The real you is still in there, but will remain confused unless you distance yourself from the root of your problem, your husband. You don`t need his negative comments, you need positive reinforcement. You`re not going to get better unless you understand you need to get away from him, and his crazy comments!
June 20th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Bruce
You are in an abusive relationship - This is the cause why you are probably so depressed. No one deserves to get treated the way you are. I would leave him and have nothing to do with him. You are so much better than the way he is treating you.
June 21st, 2009 at 12:09 am
If you got this guy by mail order and there is no warranty left, fed-ex that boy back to the fruit cake store with no return address. You got to get your act together.
June 21st, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Vicki
He is your boyfriend? Why are you with this fool?
It would be one thing if you were married, I could understand why you might be hesitant to let go, but you’re not married and therefore there is nothing worth saving.
Dump him his abusive butt.
June 21st, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Tyler
Your depression is probably due to the abuse he dishes out. (And because your depressed he’s seeing more opportunities to criticize. ) For your sake please leave him. It’s not going to get any better and I’m sure you don’t want to live the rest of your life like this.
June 24th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Kerri
Ever thought it is him that is making you depressed??
I know its hard to leave someone but i think you need to honey.
If that was me i wouldnt pick him up and id be packing his bags and telling him 2 move out.
Nobody needs to be treated like that. And what gives him the right to anyways?
June 27th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Miranda
LEAVE HIM!!!! he is no good and a horrible person. You need to get away and find yourself. You need to focus on you and move back to your moms and get away from here and that situation!
June 29th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Paul
You need to break it off immediately….. go find you someone new in a hurry so you won’t miss the jerk. btdt
June 30th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Maxine
Baby he is giving you what you are asking for. Remember this you are fat and lazy only when he is around, when you get rid of him some of your pain will leave too. When he stop using his mouth and start using his fist then you will get the message. Good Luck!
July 1st, 2009 at 11:08 am
gwyneth
Honey you got to loose some very ugly fat that is attached to you through your so called boyfriend. You need to kick him to the curb so hard that he bounces a couple of times. This is verbal, mental and emotional abuse. Are you sticking around for the physical abuse to make this a full house? What is there to like about this guy? You can’t save him and it sounds like he needs professional help to deal with his problems. They are HIS problems and you cannot help him with them, you can just be there for him to take it all out on. Why do you want that. Get away from this guy before your self esteem is totally destroyed….or something even worse happens
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:32 pm
Tyler
People are argue and say bad things, that is normal. But what he’s doing is abuse.
Abuse is always wrong and can never tolerated. Be grateful you’re not married to this guy and move on. Make no mistake, it *will not* get any better if you stay with him.
You need to let go and work on bringing some stability in your own life. Do that and life will fall into place as it should.
His past is his own demon and only he can sort it out.